The Redhead's Green Thumb

Xiane rambles about eco-issues, gardening, crafts, and life.

Monday, July 16, 2007


phantom limb syndrome

what is essential
and what is lacking
are not always the same -
that does not negate the pain.

I miss music.
Not listening to music - there's no way that will ever stop happening, although it isn't the lifeline that it was for me at one point, when I was fresh and unknown in Charlottesville. Then, music was one of my only friends, the thing I relied on to commiserate with me and my feelings. Now, I look at it as an old and dear companion, and I often know what it will say before I ask.

But this is about the things that come along *with* the music. There's that feeling that one gets before a band starts playing, when you're in a crowd yet alone when the lights go down... a sense of anticipation that is magnified by how strongly this band has gotten under your skin.
And there's a particular sense of belonging that I had as someone who took the time to seek out, support, and disseminate this music to other people - something that made me feel important, yes, but something that also made me feel like I was doing a Good Thing. I was helping people who meant the world to me, and I was perhaps giving someone who was like me - someone who the music spoke to in the best of ways - another voice, another empathetic friend for the times when one needs a friend most.

I'm a nostalgic person by nature. It is in my personality to hold a small torch for That What Was, and I'm usually fairly inured to that aspect of my personality. However, it occasionally gets to me, and today is one of those days. Today, I'm dreaming of a place where I can stand in a crowd and cheer as a wash of guitars sweeps over me, and my eyes are dazzled by spotlights bouncing from instruments and microphones. Today, I wish that I was dancing in the front row with my friends, with a band that I adore. Today, I'm missing rock'n'roll for all it's worth.

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I recently purchased "Phantoms in the Brain: Probing the Mysteries of the Human Mind". It has great insight on Phantom Limbs.

Here's the amazon link:
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